Kentoc The 87th

I can not say that I in short do know what I’m to do
I follow life where it may lead and I have that strength to see it through
And though I have not lost a breath or gained a single smile
I find that this the line I’m on I can stay on for awhile.
There is no gift that I’ll receive for being who I am,
For braking from the normal track that is followed by most men.
And though to be as kind and straight I have paid a greater price.
I could not be the ass that most have thought me to be now once or twice.
I’ve never broken ties to all that I have known and loved.
And though I seem indifferent I do care more then enough.
And in the night I can look back and remember all the pain
But you may never see me there to you I play it sane.
I cried when grandma died though to me she never cared
I laughed a lot when all I knew was life with out a fear.
I felt the pain of love and loss when I was just 15.
I did not know that any one could be so cruel and mean
I opened up my mind to find that people never change.
That even when you love to much there hearts don’t rearrange
What’s meant to be I can not see my vision is a blur
I wish I knew that I was wrong before I met with her
Five year of love and happy thought five years of enduring pain
Only to find that man she loved and me where not the same
So close to me my mother came to care and let me cry
I confided all my heart and she helped me grieve and grow.
My father had not given up when I had lost all hope
He opened once a door he close and said I’m not alone
Its hard to see the light when all you have is hell
But then I found another and in love again I fell
It lasted less a time then any came before
And late last year in autumns end my little boy was born.
Now I have a life of stories good and bad alike
And I hope to tip the scale soon with happiness and light

Even as a child I have seen the world around me differently then most. I feel as if I know the world as it really is. When most go on about there lives just worried about what is to come or where they are going I am left at a loss of words when given a moments grace to watch a leaf blow in the wind. I always noticed the sway to and fro of the tall redwoods in my child hood. And the leaning of the cripple willow tree that I have come to love so. The many shades of the deepening sky as dusk creeps in ever so slowly. I have always lived in the world of what was really there and not overlooked the obvious beauty of it all. Even if it did not always please me to be there in the rays of the sun, or the steady angelic beam of an opening in the sky. When I moved from my home in northern California I could tell that I had not just uprooted from one culture to another but my whole world had changed. The rocks and dirt had become clay. The plains of level earth had grown hills and mountains and the very sky seemed to suffer less then I was used to. Oh and the ocean my love the breeze the impending fog. I have missed it so. I feel like when you live by and ocean you fall in love with it and no other body of water can replace the feeling of openness that it does divine on a mans soul. I am lost so far from my world even still but I have made a home in the comfort of the wild here in the mountains of Tennessee. And I have yet another love of my surroundings that I could not bare to do with out and so I am torn between to worlds. I have to say that is the best metaphor for my life in every little aspect, torn. Yeah that’s a good word. So in all my emotional dishevelment I have but one faith and that is I will survive even when I do not wish to. When I have given up on everything I will still be here. I only want to be here content. I wish I know how to reach that. I am just so torn.

I could ask you to love me. I could ask you to know me through and through. But who am I to ask anyone to brave these waters? Who am I to ask you to risk it all to be mine? I am just a man, torn.

it wasn't enough for him he just did not want to let go but i have to ask my self is that really the problem . or was it not enough for her either I mean if it was enough for her would she not make it very clear that it was over and it wouldn't matter what he said or did she would just have to let him go. but I guess that is just my luck liking the girl that is out of reach. oh well back to the drawing bourd.

I found this in my things from the apartment(with brandy) I thought I would post it. I cried when i read it. just remembering everthing it still hurts. I am doing a lot better with it. well here it is :

Roses pierce my steady grip now trembling on my knees
A moment passes slowly as my hands begin to bleed
I came to bare a gift tonight not lose my will to breathe
In once a moment lost in time in love is all I see
So blurred my view my thought of you could leave me as I am
With out a heart to call my own and no way to start again.
Now you ask so much of me though I have no more to give
You’ve taken it my heart and soul and more my will to live

My soul longs for something new something to fill the void that was left in the place in my heart that she used to reside. I openly talk now and my fear of love is not so great. I have found my self dreaming of some divine rapture that may take me from the pain of past and bring me into a new and glorious year. I know that nothing bad will come of this year and I am hoping to change my sometimes morbid state of mind to something loving and caring and silly and funny all at the same time. I can only hope that in doing so I will have drawn into my self a group of people that can share in this common interest of love and the drama that seems to envelope my life can melt from me in some kind of unrealistic display of emotional strength. I have my eyes on someone who I would like to help through tribulation. Someone who I have already a deep seeded emotional bond with. She is with someone yet lonely she love’s them yet she fears them and I wish to brake the cycle of what she is living in (a lie) it is obviously up to her in the end but I in my persuasive manner can at the least give her a nudge in the right direction I have read her as best as I know. And I find a few things don’t match up for one she has lost her dignity at one time or another which can only happen in the event of someone forcing something on them that they may deem as uncommonly painful and personally unprotected. When most vulnerable I can see it in her eyes. She trusts but she never fully open her self to me I want her to be happy and I think I know what it will take to lay down the burden. I have to do this with out her knowing how much I care for her. That is the hard part. If I open that door to her then she will have to close this part of herself off to me. And I can not bear thinking what will happen if she in fact dose this. Jessica has been a great mediater helping me choose my words carefully and such. Well I have to get to work on a few other things so I will type more on this latter

happy new year every one

I know that I talk to much about this but I have nothing better to do in the middle of the night then to sit here and think about her apparently so…
I just don’t get it I have not gotten over her am I supposed to just let go and if so how in the damnit do I do that. Should I ask her if she wants me to stop loving her I mean it is obvious that I do I know that she has to have seen it. Am I to just sit here every night thinking of her as she sleeps soundly just a few miles away. Why the damn nightmares what the fuck did I do to have to deal with this crap. I should not say that karma is my enemy as of late and I have nothing if not my passion for being an ass but it all melts away when I see her though I’m sure that she is the very blunt of all my most self mutilating moments. If only she knew how much I love her. But she could not understand the kind of love that I am capable of and she has already hurt me so. I just don’t know what to do I feel like my life is falling apart again and the anniversary is coming all too soon I am just not ready for this kind of pain I am so damn lonely and she is so damn happy and I have to see her all the time I just want to die

Today started slowly as most of my days have. Even with the passing of time that is one thing that I can always count on, the time in the early morn for reminiscing on past and thinking of future. I slept for the first time in four days a full nights sleep or at the very least 7 hours which in more then I think I have slept at night for nearing a year. I was too go and get my pictures taken with my son today but he was in no mood for it. he is 8 weeks old and yesterday his mother and I went to get his first shots. He was still hurting I think and he just would have nothing to do with it. So me and Brandy took leave from wal-mart and decided to go for a bite to eat. We stopped in at the Ruby Tuesdays there near wal-mart. At first it was awkward but I have grown accustomed in the last few months to not embellishing my emotional dishevelment. We talked and after a while I found my self doing what I remember doing so long ago, Just staring at her. Remembering all the long conversations and the mute arguments that seemed meaningless yet fueled the very passion that drew me into her from the start. I took note of all the changes in her. As if having a child had simply magnified how gorgeous she had always been in my memory. We laughed together at our moronic attempt at making idle conversation. Talking of work or home life seemed a bit empty for me, but I could not just come out with everything on my mind seeing as I myself did not know very well how to put anything to words or at the very least not make the conversation and my visit with her go south. So I very carefully placed what I meant to say had it been too personal she would have shot it down, but she did no such thing. On the way back to my place I found it hard to say anything at all. The whole visit had be so clean of spite I just wanted it to never end. I bit my tongue for a time before hearing brandy asking me to talk. Then asking what was the matter. I tried to speak but my mind was so chaotic with all that had passed I found my self laboring to find even the slightest bit of an interesting fact to impart. Now lost in it all I could not really even look at her and I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I fought it but she pressed on. Saying “what is the matter” and things of such. I turned to her as she looked at me in one of her moments of impatience and said “do you not realize how hard it is to talk to you with out breaking down in tears” I knew at that point I had let a the least one tear pass but I sucked it up to a moment of silence and then a few second embrace before I stepped out of the care to come around the other side to get Bryson from his car seat. I opened the front door which is my costume so that brandy can give her love to our boy before leaving in my care for a long period of time. We talked for a moment longer and then I started on my way. Before I could get to the door she called for me I did not hear exactly what she said only did I know she meant to gain my attention which she did. I walked back to the care and she said she wanted to know when or if I would help her out with child support. At which time I was in no mood for financial conversation and said I would leave money in his bag. She scoffed at the idea and began to tell me how she did not intend her father to know I gave her money. I did not realy want her to reiterate why I’m sure it would have taken more time then I care to a lot for this uncomfortable conversation. I invited her in and we talked about it on the back porch as Bryson settled in with my sisters and my dad. I gave her money and we talked for a while longer before realizing it was three and she would have to be leaving. By this time I was ready for her to go and I wanted some time with Bryson. She embraced me one more time to my surprise and then asked when she would be seeing me again I told her when ever she felt the need. Trying to be as tactful as my confused and still irate mind could endure. I spent the rest of the evening holding Bryson even when he slept I held him I just missed him. And I wish me and his mother had a second chance I really cant write any more but I just had to get that out of me.

The anniversary is coming up and I can’t seem to think about the holidays in all this. My heart is still so broken and I just don’t know how to grieve. What makes it go away? It takes everything I have not to break down right in front of her. And every time she talks to me it is like scratching an open wound. I just have to hide. By my self away from everything burry my self in work and leave all the logistics to the rest of the world. The pain is too much I am loosing sleep again and I have to breathe deeply just to catch my breath. There is a lump in my thought and she is in the back of my mind it seems always. I just want this all to be over. Just like she does I just want it to be over.

This where angels wing and devils trot destiny intersects
Where the mended wounds of broken past and future have not met.
Where the present is but a memory and the futures none in sight
And the past no more can frighten you or keep you up all night.
A moment could not pass so fast like grains of sand through an hourglass.
Wind could not chills such as this its icy breeze would just be missed.
I’m leaning nearly on the cusp writhing on the floor.
All the secrets left to lore are hidden on this runic door.
That leads to where you’ll never know until you can proceed.
There can be no wont be self assured the key is just the need

Its seems the green of meadows past have lost there luster
still the spite I fight with all the strength that I can muster

the change indeed a need I see fit to feed
but the pain it brings does not relax it seems to breed

my hearts left open still and waiting for the sting
what am I doing here but prolonging all these things

the end that seems to already have come and gone
the love that even though so great couldn’t last so long

the nights alone in cool of winders end
spent basking in each others skin
tenth of January when all this end began
when moved from what I knew and loved
and alone I was, though with my dove
another letdown I’d become to one so young and strong
I am blessed to know that it could last
In three months it had come and gone
I’d never been so happy or my life been so content
To know that she had growing in her belly my own seed
Fulfilled my life in every way and all my pain relieved
I could not see in all the blur then all her neglected needs
And lost I was to all her thoughts and I began to bleed
I did not understand the pain that came then after that
My whole life rejection had been purely a known fact
So why did then it hurt so bad and now hurt even still
I guess that love had not come to me till in her I then was filled

I’ll be damned, once more I can’t sleep and seeing as how this is two days in a row I foresee a very long day tomorrow. I guess I will be going in to work early and then going for my visit with Bryson and then maybe eating out somewhere but not before paying a few hundred dollars (that last few hundred dollars I have) to get my license back and then go look for cars then it will be back to work and I have yet again not enough sleep to get me through half of what I am going to need to get done. Caffeine or sugar? That’s the question what am I going to utilize for my energy out put stabilizer. I have no clue all I know is right now I am up and I have been drawing pictures of her all night. I seem to be able to draw her from memory now and I have used a few base characteristics to make an anime version of her that seems to do nicely in resembling her. It is kind of neat.
She came to my work with Bryson today I was very happy and yet I was hurt too. I did not expect it at all and she has a knack for looking fantastic every time I see her. And we visited for some time longer then I thought was comfortable. But I did not want to let her go I just wanted to hold her. In that thought I was lost while she was there and so before she left I said “ I am going to hug you if that’s ok” and so I did and for the first time ever I held her and our baby boy in my arms at the same time. I let her go and then walked calmly to the back where I could not help but cry. My boss walked out the back door and saw me there smoking and trying to not look like I had been sobbing and he asked what I was broken up about and I think I said a little more then I meant to and he gave me the rest of the day off even though I pleaded to let me stay at work. Me and him have become really good friends it feels good to know some one cares. But I had to come home where I new she would be on my mind more and so I fought the erg to call her. And won some time around ten when I realized it was to late . maybe just and excuse but it seemed to work and so I resigned my self to the seclusion of my lonely room with all the trappings of our old apartment to remind me of all that mess and I sobbed more and I think that is when I started drawing her. There is too much time in a day. When you are hurting there is far to much time in a day. And when you are happy (when I was with her ) the time just passes to fast. Far to fast.

I haven’t the ability to sleep tonight. I can not say why only that my thought will not allow it and even if I had nodded of even for a moment my dreams would undoubtedly leave something to be desired. Once more I am tormented by memories. I wish she would reconsider and I am all too selfish in my …. Well what can only be an infatuation to have her back. I don’t know if it would ever work but just to hold her and kiss her forehead and the painful past to slip away for one night of perfect love. I would give everything I have worked for in my life. Now I can only wish for sleep and the rest that I have had as of late is so lacking that I find my moods to be as erratic as the changing winds. I have labored over the albums of us over and over and I know the pain I have now is self created but I can not bear not to be near her in that way if no other in is my only comfort in the stillness when I’m feeling so lonely I can scarcely breath and the tears just wont stop I thought I was over this why am I opening this old wound again I just cant heal…

When my soul faints with in me, fear overwhelms me, and the very beat of my heart has forsaken me. The silence of the night turns on me. When darkness takes me home. When I feel the word that no one really speaks and hear the hands that used to hold me fade away. When I move from no hello, and fall from ebb and flow. And in my eyes the war begins. When my wings burn to the floor beneath me, and I can not breathe. The blood of this carcass runs dry, and Emotions grow cold. When I no more feel the pain of your rejection. When the rigidly painted glass is black and white, and even the city lights seem out of reach. When the tears in her eyes can't hurt me. When her cries are muffled by the lies, and I understand nothing. When I don’t know what to do …. I am stone

© David Rutledge

This chemical reaction tracks mud through these lonely rooms.
The darkness that used to seal the unlit corners seems to invade all aspects of life.
I have made a bed of blood to remember this as if the scares where not enough.
The last time I remember happiness was the last time her lips touched mine.
Sharing with her these next two decades will prove to be painful enough.
Now my thoughts reside in a new hope, in a new place. Dear lord, let me not fail in this so lost work to create something worth a moments delight. Had I nothing more then this to tip the cup from its sturdy hold on the edge of my leaning table I would indeed have left be all the long cal abet days that seem to threaten me with there shear magnitude. Hold me one last time for I can scarcely stand. And with not to stand alone.

My day off spent laboring on things that should be left to the dark of night. She is in my dreams still and my hope for even a single glimmer of salvaging my brocken heart is a drug that I seem to feed on daily if only to survive. Another phone call still lost in all the reality of it. Knowing that is the only contact I can bear and knowing as well that my heart breaks a little more with every word. She could never know the depth of it I assume. And I suffice to say it only goes to show that love does not conquer all. I have forbid my self to look at her when she drops of my baby boy at the parents place if only to margin the amount of pain I go through in a single day. And working so often is not helping matters. It is strange how a single phone call can break me down to nothingness and so quickly. I look to the future and I pray though my faith has left me. It seems things are getting better for her and just never got that bad and I still can not sleep at night and think about her in every waking hour. Why cant I get over her…

So yeah. I thought I would update all my friends on what is going on in my life seeing as I never get the chance to do so and well, I just really have nothing better to do. I have been working for Zaxby’s a chicken restaurant for about a month and I love it. the people are great and I find that as I go on up the food chain I feel less and less stress and am able to reveal more of my nicer side. As well as make new friends and meet new people in the industry that I have been working for for the last seven years. Seeing new faces and meeting up with old colleagues is refreshing. I make ok money and have little in the way of worries financially aside from bills that I would not pay right now even had I the money. On a more personal note I have been able to see my son three times now and every time it gets harder to let go. And I would add that my wife is still as beautiful as before not that I wished her ugly just it makes it so hard to know that she is not going to be my wife and has not been my wife and I still feel so strongly I am such a loser. So many people have been making them selves available for me but what I want is impossible it is just impossible. What ever.

Offensive words that curve the need to feed a breed of rage
Spoken by a self made sage that could not turn the page.
Who did not know or let it show that he had lost the world
And so his dreams of logic leaped from him and they where spoiled

I am a daddy,
7lbs 3oz’s
boy
named : Jeremy Bryson Rutledge